I am a child of divorce. I remember how hard it was for me when my parents got divorced and I was in the middle of it. So many mistakes that could have been prevented if only they were less selfish. They used to talk badly about each other most of the time. I was constantly interrogated about how the other one was doing and if they are seeing someone. They wanted to know if the other one had enough money and how they spending the time. That was a very traumatic time in my life. On top of all of that, I had a new stepmom who was trying to boss me around the house telling me what I could and I could not do.
There are things that I wish my parents knew about going through a divorce.
Mistake number 1: Forcing your child to choose sides.
There is going to be a time when your child is going to have to decide which parent they have to go live with but that should be the closest he gets to choose sides. It doesn’t mean that they love you less if they have chosen to live with the other parent.
Mistake number 2: Using your child to find out information about your ex-partner.
This makes a child feel like you don’t care about them and you are more interested in the conflict that you had with your partner. You should cherish every moment that you have to spend with your child and not to make them feel unloved unwanted. They are already going through feelings of guilt.
Mistake number 3: Using your child to influence your ex.
Do not try to send indirect messages using your child, or try to do anything with the purpose of getting a reaction from her ex-partner. What happened between you and your partner is over and you need to give all your attention to your children because they are the ones that need you the most.
Mistake number 4: Transfer of feelings.
I remember how my dad was telling me that I resemble my mum and he didn’t say in a good way.
Your feelings for your ex-partner have nothing to do with your feelings for your child and they should not be projected on the kid. If your ex-partner starts seeing someone new, don’t take it out on the children.
Mistake number 5: Turning family events into a nightmare.
I remember having to choose which parent I was going to celebrate Christmas with. That was hard. If my parents were ever in a room together everything would be tense I would feel like I’m doing something wrong and betraying one parent if I was talking to the other one.
Keep this in mind. Family celebrations should be about the children. They should be about offering them a stable environment to grow up and develop. Don’t let your conflict with your ex-partner in the way of your children’s happiness. They deserve to be happy and surrounded by all their loved ones, at least for holidays. There should be no conflict and discussions at that time of the year being it Easter Christmas, New Year, graduations or birthdays.
Mistake number 6: Overcompensate and overindulge out of guilt.
Yes having your parents getting a divorce is hard, might think about the message that you sending to them when you tried to overcompensate and over in Dalston period they might take advantage of this and start asking for more and more. Think about that child that falls but doesn’t start crying until he sees his the horror on his mum’s face. This is the effect that gifts and overcompensation would have over your children, so they would not feel better. They would feel worse, they will start feeling like they should be upset and that’s why you’re overindulging them.
Mistake number 7: Becoming needy with your children.
Right after signing the divorce papers it is normal to feel like you’ve lost something. Maybe you feel like you have lost to love, but love was gone a while ago. That is the reason why people become emotionally needy and they project that neediness on the children. They become more clingy, they called them more often, they want to talk to them for hours on the phone, they hug and kiss the child too much and don’t give them space.
Mistake number 8: Treating the child as an adult.
So you lost your partner your child cannot compensate for that. Do not share with your child the same things that you would share with your partner. Children must be children did not get them involved in your problems they should be kept out of it they should not have to worry about grown-up stuff. The best thing you can do for your children is to keep, the same daily routines that they had before.
Mistake number 9: Don’t move on too fast.
Yes, you are going to feel lonely and in need of companionship and you should go and find someone. What I am saying is that you should not introduce them to your children too soon. Take the time to know the person and make sure that your children are ready. Have a conversation with them about the fact that you met someone and that person makes you very happy. Give them time to process and let them decide when they are ready to meet your new partner.
I hope this article prevents you from making all of those mistakes when dealing with this hard period of your life. If you haven’t told your children about the divorce yet and don’t know how to, you can read my article: